Last night at the Khyber, 18 rock-god wannabes gathered to shred and power slide their way to rock immortality in the 2009 US Air Guitar Regional Championship competition.
The show got a late start, but it probably only helped that everyone – audience and performers – had a chance to get a few more drinks in them. The event was officially and appropriately sponsored by Boones Farm, after all. Entire bottles were just $5.50 at the bar.
The 2008 World champion, Hot Lixx Hulahan, hosted the event. He and US Air Guitar veteran Björn Türoque (who doubled as a judge) started the show with some professional air guitar shredding to what seemed to be the Official Air Guitar theme song -- a Flamenco tune-turned heavy rock song, backed by Boones Farm girls on air bass and air drums.
Contestants had “60 seconds to melt your faces or shit in a pizza box.” The performances were then scored by three judges on a scale of 4.0 to 6.0, just like Olympic figure skating, in the following categories: Technical merit, stage presence, and “airness,” which is, “like porn; it’s tough to define, but you know it when you see it,” according to one of the judges.
The competition was broken into two rounds. In the first round, every registered performer had one minute to shred to a song of his (no girls last night) choosing. In the second round, only the top-five scoring players advanced and had to all jam out to the same song.
The first performer, Airwolf of London set the bar high by taking a brutal slap from his sidekick before delivering a high-energy, nearly fabulous performance in leather shorts and a leather vest that distinctly revealed his UConn huskies mascot (aka the werewolf of London) drawn-on chest tattoo.
The rest of the first round was seriously hit-or-miss and the mediocre performances dragged on as audience-members called for second performances from the best acts. Very few of the songs really stood out, though one really popular act, Airistotle, regrettably aired over Green Days “American Idiot.” The best song of the night though was Tyranasaurus Mono’s average work to “Killing in the Name of” by Rage Against the Machine. One of the judges even commented that it was the best air guitar song.
Finally, a two-way tie for fourth saw the field narrowed to six proud and talented second-round candidates: Blurred Knuckles, Ricky Stinkfinger, Airwolf of London, Windhammer and Aristotle, and Fender Splendor (yeah, the two-way tie for fourth doesn’t make any sense).
The second-round song was an obscure, heavy rock song with lots of starts and stops and a tough rhythm – not an easy song, even for the most seasoned air guitarists.
Blurred Knuckles was the oldest competitor to take the stage, competing in his eighth regional championship. Technically, he nailed the difficult song and his airing looked accurate. But for all of his technical expertise, he failed to excite the crowd enough to advance any further.
Ricky Stinkfinger, a very large and hairy man, who wore underwear as his tops and bottoms in the first round, moved on to a towel in round two, which he removed, revealing glittering golden underwear, which he removed, revealing even-smaller, leopard-print underwear.
Windhammer, last year’s Philadelphia champion, gave an intense second-round performance. His long red beard and equally hairy red chest only served to further intimidate the judges, who said they were afraid to give him low scores, though he was also an obvious crowd favorite.
Airisitotle, an incredibly skinny, mohawked, also shirtless competitor gave a high-energy performance that also included the most original air guitar move of the night: He threw his air guitar into the crowd, then, like a fallen angel well-versed in black magic, pulled another guitar from behind his back, licked his fingers and continued to shred.
Last to perform in the second round was Fender Splendor, who took the stage in cutoffs, kneepads and a belly shirt that barely concealed the words “Eat my fucking cheeseteak” scrawled on his stomach.
In the end, Fender Splendor and Windhammer tied, leading to an Air Off, perhaps the most intense and rare occurrence in the sport. While the two heard the 60 second portion of “Paradise City” by Guns N’ Roses they’d be shredding to, Fender Splendor was confident, while Windhammer looked on in deep concentration.
In the end, Fender Splendor won the day by a close margin. The final song was a better fit for his style, which was all about the performance -- using the space well and engaging the audience. Windhammer focused on the accuracy of his airing, an error that proved fatal in the final judging (maybe the tie for fourth place was some kind of conspiracy that got Fender Splendor into the final round).
Fender Splendor will advance to the National Championships held in D.C. Then, if chosen, he will move on to the world championships in Finland, the very birthplace of Air Guitar.
After all the professionals had completed their competition, hosts turned the sounds and stage over to everyone in the crowd for the chance to shred and air to one song and taste the eternal glory that can be had from just one stellar Air Guitar performance. That one song was, in all its gaudy glory, Free Bird.
